Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Randomize
