i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
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