yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Please advise as to how precisely ashamed I should be if I just became sexually aroused by a Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince preview
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
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