I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
