i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
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