The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I miss vodka workout Fridays
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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