Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
