...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Someone came in the potted fern
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
