WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
