I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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