If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
