I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Me. At least after what I've been through.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
where are you?
Hypothermia
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Randomize
