While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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