cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
