Rock
Scissors
Fuck
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I want to fling myself into the sun
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
