My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
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