I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
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