giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
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