You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Randomize
