Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Randomize
