whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
Im part way to drunk.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Randomize
