then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
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