Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
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