If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
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