turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
