Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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