My first STD was from a foam party
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
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