Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
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