So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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