my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
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