dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Randomize
