whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
You took a bar mat shot.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
