Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
