Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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