I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Randomize
