he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
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