He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
