You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
