i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
