I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Randomize
