She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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