the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
