I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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