they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
She's the barista slut.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
