seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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