nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Someone signed my nipple.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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