i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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