I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Randomize
