the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
