She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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