Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
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