i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Randomize
