i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
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