he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Randomize
